Toilet Epiphany

Ha ha...yeah, buckle your seat belt. I was sitting on the toilet a few moments ago and all of a sudden my brain started writing a blog. You've perhaps noticed I haven't written one since the summer...I was wondering how often I'd write - apparently the answer is every six months or so. So, as I was saying, my brain flooded with all these great words, all put together so wonderfully, about nothing that connected at all. Other than me. I had the thought, as I often do, "I'll do it tomorrow when I'm rested." An especially convincing thought since I've got the plague (not really - many might call it the flu, not sure what it is, I'm not an MD) But that's what I do. I put off. I put EVERYTHING off. That's what my toilet epiphany was so profound. I've had a hell of a past six weeks or so. I'm going to do my best to be succinct and link it all together. Bear in mind, I'm hacking up a lung and have a fever and a headache. I'm sure this will be super coherent. No - but I do think it will be super authentic. That's what I'm really getting. What a fraud I am! I'm not living the life I want to live. Far from it! I'm not even in the same zip code, state, or probably country as my life. Figuratively, of course. I've been living this life of fear that, for some reason, seems to have lifted. For good? Hope so. Not that there's anything wrong with who that woman was (hopeful verb tense), but she's not who I AM. Who I am is a powerful, kickass leader. And apparently one who is going to cuss considerably more than usual - wait, it's the third blog, is there a usual yet? I can compete well verbally in a cussing duel. Like there is such a thing (shaking my head, as if to clear the cobwebs and the ADD).

OK - where to start? I think I'll start when this all began to unravel, like an ugly Christmas sweater. I had this amazing breakthrough. I realized that when I was 15, and my 17 year old boyfriend *not just boyfriend, FIRST boyfriend* broke up with me, I quit my life. I realized for 25 years I'd been continuing to sabotage myself, to prove how worthless I was. Now, please read this NOT the way my parents did when they read my email from a quarter of the way around the world - this is a GOOD thing, a FANTASTIC thing! I realized that a 15 year old girl decided that she should have seen the warning signs, that she had been too passionate and too effusive with her feelings, and that because of that, the 17 year old broke up with her. Now, keep in mind, she also had spoken at the time with his best friend, and he'd also confirmed that said boy was pulling away from him as well. And we wisely concluded he was burning his bridges before heading half way around the world to college, away from everyone. Yes, that story wouldn't have caused this...because the "I'm worthless" was already in place. The bridge burning was the icing on the terd, so to speak. I currently have a 16 year old son - I adore him, but there's no way I'd put him in charge of this 40 year old's life! But basically, that's what I've been doing. I've been letting teenagers run my life. CRAZY! I got very clear that that was a story I made up, and that I can offer others - like maybe he was SOOOOOOOO in love with me it scared him. That's a touch more empowering than I'm worthless, don't you think? This was huge, and it caused me to complete things that had been dangling out there for a long time, like the completion of my webpage. It took me an hour...something that I'd worked on for HOURS over a span of weeks, if not months. An hour, boom, done. My toilet got a cleaning of a lifetime. Things were MOVING, I was in action, and I felt ALIVE and I loved it!

Now, just prior to this breakthrough I'd gotten a Dear John letter from my best friend. Needless to say, it triggered all of this, since I hadn't had my breakthrough yet. I felt blindsided, didn't see it coming. We've been friends for eight years, after all. How could she? I was proud, I didn't argue, I didn't defend, I just emailed her back. This is the woman who's in my will to get my kids...the woman who taught me to trust women friends again (yeah, that decision is another story going back to college). Now, POST breakthrough, I really was able to see what I hadn't seen before. I could see my part in her giving up on me. Yes, it still burns a little that she went straight to pulling the plug before trying CPR, but I can see that in her eyes, our friendship is dead. DED dead. I can see how I didn't love her the way she wanted to be loved, of course not, I was on a collision course with everything good in my life. Damn, she's one hell of a gal to have stuck it out 8 years! I also had her on a pedestal and I judged the hell out of her when she didn't fit MY image of who she should be. Wow, why'd she want to end our friendship?! I can't imagine! I've called, I've emailed, and I continue to stand for us to be able to resolve this, even if it's to end the friendship so there's NOTHING UNSAID - because I believe anything is possible through communication. AND, I've said what I need to say and am at peace. Old me, no way, woulda fought tooth and nail that I was right and she was wrong.

So, as my friendship is crashing and burning, my responsibility in all that isn't the way I want it to be is finally visible to me, like losing sunglasses in a dark room, as this roller coaster is careening its way around the track that is my life, I have the blessing of getting sick five days ago. So here's what I became present to, sitting there on the toilet. I really got present to how I'm living in the moment. My son has had whatever this is for about ten days now. He's sleeping on the couch, he's feeling very miserable, you can hear it in his voice. I've had this for five days, but I'm not fighting it...that's what I got present to. I cough a lot, I feel warm to the touch and, until I finally started taking ibuprofen, every time I coughed I had the most incredible stabbing pains in my head. But I'M NOT SICK. I AM ______________ (insert anything empowering) but I'm not sick. I have symptoms. That's why I've been enjoying myself the past few days...because I've been allowing myself to just be. I've been listening to my body and doing what it says. "Nap? Ok. Binge watch Lie to Me? Ok. Allow myself to be upset they canceled such an incredible show? Eh...ok, but just a moment." I'm here, I'm listening, and tonight, I created a digital vision board that I named Envisioning Dreams. I don't know if I can upload it, but I'll try. I spent hours doing what I know to be true, but haven't been doing myself - spending time focusing my thoughts of what I WANT.

What I know is the world is calling for me to be very very big. And consequently my response has been to shrink and be very very small. I've been shrinking for eight years (or 25 since deciding that?), but especially for the past 18 months. I've been a bad friend to all my friends, not intentionally, but gardens that aren't watered die. I haven't been tending my friendships, and they've gone elsewhere for friendship. You reap what you sow, right? Well, I've kept my seeds tightly fisted and hugged to my chest, all so I could complain about not having. I did this. And you know what's great? I have the power to open my hand, offer seed around, and have the WORLD flourish. But first, first I start at home. I start in my bathroom, scrubbing the shower. I start with that box of pictures and get rid of the 80% of them where I don't remember anyone in them, or where they're blurry. I start by letting my family know how very much they mean to me AND showing them with my actions. I start by remembering that each and every moment is a gift. And I remember a week ago where, in an instant, I thought we were going to T-Bone the kid on his cell phone who was flying down the highway, over compensated when he nearly sideswiped us, and ended up crossing in front of us. I remember him and the love and compassion I felt for him, having just graduated from college that morning. I remember the relief that my amazing husband stopped in time, and that all five of us walked away shaken, but not hurt (though I'm thinking he was sore for a few days).  I think of his mother, able to hug her boy and congratulate him, instead of visiting him in the hospital, or worse. I remember - it's all we've got. Just moments, strung together. Make as many of them good ones as you can.

Begin a list of things you've been meaning to do, put due dates and actions you're going to take. And do them! Break them up into itty bitty pieces, so your list is super long! Then there's a lot to cross out. And, don't forget, every day, to look back and celebrate the distance you covered. Celebrate the moments you cherished. If you didn't meet your due date, change it. With NO MEANING attached, just change it. And if, after all this, you know someone who's looking to take on their life and make a difference in the world, send them to my website and suggest they hire me. With video conferencing, I'm available globally! I see that I haven't been putting myself out there because I'm afraid of the NOs, I'm afraid of getting "the wrong" clients. Ha ha, no such thing! I want the clients who read this and fall in love with my goofy, quirky, authentic (and sometimes cuss-y) personality. It doesn't have to mean anything, just like I loved that boy who almost killed us, I want the people who WANT ME and are up to make a difference. I will grow by serving others and helping them grow. Together. It does take that village.

Because guess what, we're all human, and you can't tell me you've never had an epiphany on the toilet - you just haven't posted it on the Internet. Yet. Let's make the world a more beautiful place - moment by moment.

And, just so it's clear, I LOVE YOU ALL, even if I haven't had the pleasure of getting to know you yet. Tomorrow - tomorrow I let my daughter dye my hair purple. Stay tuned, cuz just writing that makes my stomach a little queasy! Merry Christmas - and thank you for reading about my rebirth.

The pictures from Envisioning Dreams:

Brain Noise

It's fascinating to me how lit up I was after my very first blog post...and how much I wanted to post again. And yet, it's been seven months. Seven months of thinking about it, evaluating it, debating it, pondering ideas to write about, and, ultimately, seven months of dismissing the idea. Seven months of telling myself the idea wasn't good enough, wasn't smart enough, wasn't bold enough, wasn't ______ enough. Seven months! That's over 200 days! Granted, I didn't spend each and every day thinking about it, but I thought about it AT LEAST once a month...so, let's say ten times. Ten times I denied myself the same feeling of accomplishment that I felt after the first post. And for those ten times, how much negative self talk accompanied it? A LOT.

The most devastating conversations in my life, and I would assert in all of our lives, happen between our ears. We are brutal with ourselves. My daughter showed me a meme once that said something like: If your friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, you wouldn't keep them as a friend. That really stuck with me, and I've thought of that often. In a training program I'm in now they tell us it's a dangerous neighborhood. And it IS! Your hopes and dreams may not make it out alive, those thoughts are killers.

So here's where I've been trying to stay standing...in my committment. I am committed to love on the planet. Someone mentioned recently to me in a seminar that we spend a lot of time looking at what's wrong in the world and wondering, "Why doesn't anyone do something?" -- I'm SOMEONE! I'm clear that if I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem. When I let my head speak, I hear a lot of "I don't know what to do" or "I don't know how" or, the one with the biggest bite, "Who do you think you are to think you can make a difference?" Who am I not to? It's NOT working to wait for someone else. Apathy isn't a choice I'm willing to keep making. Love on the planet...yeah, sounds pretty cheesy and impossible (says the voice in my head) -- but what if I'm even just 1% successful?! Does that make a difference? ABSOLUTELY. It's like the story of the starfish on the beach, it matters to that one. And even if that one is ME, it's worth it. If I focus my attention on LOVE, that changes me. It changes my thoughts, my actions, and my reactions. Already I see that my anger flares are fewer, and where I notice this the most is behind the wheel. Isn't that where we are the worst of ourselves?! It makes me laugh, but that sad laugh with a shake of my head. I am choosing to change how I listen to people from "What are they doing that's right and what are they doing that's wrong" to listening for their generous contribution. The results have been extraordinary and very surprising to me. Let me give you an example: I picked my son up from Boy Scout camp a few weeks ago, and he got into the van with this big bucket from Home Depot with a screw on lid. His father had filled it with snacks for him, and the bucket kept critters out while he was in the woods. I had this thought, "Wow, his dad really thought of everything and look at how much he filled that bucket with!" -- and immediately after that thought hit I realized what it would have been BEFORE generous contribution: "Damn him, he spends all that time and money on that stupid thing, but can't be bothered to pay child support?" I tell you what, I MUCH prefer how my body feels now compared to that. THAT thought would have gotten me irritated, and I wouldn't have been able to be present with my son as he shared about his two weeks at camp. I'll take generous contribution for the win, please!

What do I think is possible if I keep this game going? I firmly believe that it will empower people, who will empower people, who will......you get the idea. I think we can all fall in love with ourselves FIRST, and when we do, there will be peace in us that just naturally overflows and we can fall in love with each other, REGARDLESS of differences. When we fall in love with ourselves, I feel we can love the differences, instead of being afraid of them. When we fall in love with ourselves, there's nothing we fear being found out by others, so we can be open and vulnerable. What happens then? Others can show up open and vulnerable in our space. What happens then? Wow...I'd love to know what happens then on a global scale. What happens when everyone is tuned in to their purpose, loves themselves, and is empowered, open and vulnerable? I think peace is possible.

As I write this, there is an upside down dog asleep next to me. She reminds me, all there is in life is to love everyone and be vulnerable. She's not plagued by the opinions and judgements in her head. She's present RIGHT NOW. I think I'll take a lesson from her.

And the noise in my head right now? Well, it got a lot quieter. I began this post feeling sorry for myself for something that happened with a friend yesterday. I began this post heartbroken. I end this post heart-mended, heart-full, heart-whole. My friend chose what she chose, most likely due to the noise in her head. And I let her choices take me out. That was my choice. I chose to listen to the voices that said she didn't care about me, the voices that said I wasn't enough, the voices that said I was naive and not worthy. Those took me out, for about 36 hours. Boy did I have judgements and opinions about how she should have done things differently. But they are what they are and what I do have control over is what I choose to listen to in my head. I choose love. I choose vulnerability. I choose forgiveness. Because it changes WHO I AM. And who I am is extraordinary...because I said so.

Resolutions

I woke this morning, the first morning of 2015, different. It was as if all the revelations I'd had in the past few weeks all gelled overnight, and I awoke new, fresh, and ready to take on the world. As I lay there, enjoying this new me, my mind whirred, and this blog was all it could focus on. The same thought kept coming, "We make life so hard, but it can transform in an instant." And I know this, in my core I believe this, yet I haven't trusted this. Note the tense change. I'm declaring that I now trust this to be true. 2015 is the year I let this be my mantra.

As I write this I stare over my laptop at the sign I made and hung on the wall of my bedroom. It says, "I am Extraordinary". It's simple, it was fun to make, but more importantly, it's that phrase that greets me when I open my eyes in the morning, and it's that phrase that I see when I go to bed. This was genius, though I didn't know it when I made it. When I made it I also put reminders in my phone to go off every day. "You are extraordinary!", "You are a player of life, not a spectator!" and the question, "What do you need to clear right now?" I have had these two things in place for about 3 weeks now, maybe a month. They are simple, they are something anyone can do...and they have had a profound effect on my life. When those reminders go off, I am reminded that I AM, I exist, I believe in myself, and I am worth it. They remind me of my BIGNESS, of who I aspire to be, of who I know I could become if I just let myself get beyond my fears. In those moments, I'm present to something bigger, something powerful, pulling me forward into a life of greatness. So far, by my assessment, I've lived a comfortable life of mediocrity. A life of not quite...not quite enough money, not quite enough self expression, not quite enough time, not quite enough happiness, not quite.... Not quite was killing me.

Our society, our relationships, and especially our media all perpetuate negativity. When we focus on positives, we are treated differently, made fun of, teased. But it is through focusing on what we WANT, focusing on our DREAMS, and on LOVE, that we can have a life of bliss. It's the little things. They add up. 

My parents recently visited. I love my parents dearly, and they don't visit nearly often enough. But there are things that are difficult to be with about them, as there are about all parents, I'm sure. The way they speak to each other and treat each other is toxic. And in the seven years I've been working on myself, it's become harder and harder to be around. But I knew that. The gift I got from THIS visit was the realization of why I have been unable to break out of my financial rut. I was so present to their financial scarcity story that runs them. Little comments, all the time. When I cashed my first paycheck for a seasonal job I took, and chose to spend a little on my husband when we visited Asheville, the comment, "Just couldn't wait to spend your hard earned money?" was whispered in my ear by my mother. I know it was meant as a joke, but it wasn't funny. Or the conversation I had with the gentleman selling these cool chakra thingies (I don't even know what to call them!) -- my father huffed away, saying to my husband, "She can't afford them, why is she talking to him?" That was just two from one day. No WONDER I haven't been able to move, financially! I have been stumped by how I could have transformed SO MUCH of my life over the past seven and a half years, gotten so free and so happy, yet still be burdened by financial scarcity. It has made me question myself, question my abilities to be a life coach, to stand for others to transform their lives when I couldn't affect this area of my life. I had so much doubt from this, I was so stuck, and it was affecting every aspect of my life and my family's. And, because of this work, I can look at my parents' visit and say, THANK YOU! I love you for who you are and who you aren't. And I have choice...I can continue to live my life with the financial story they have, or I can choose something new. And you better believe, three days ago when this became so crystal clear to me, I put that story down and detached myself from it. I do NOT want to live my life, anymore, from "Money doesn't grow on trees", "You have to work hard and save your money" and countless other money weights tethering me to scarcity. In an instant, they were gone and I felt freer than I ever have financially. Sometimes the best lesson you can learn from your parents is what NOT to do. I will NOT have a toxic relationship that leaves my partner feeling alone and frustrated. I will not live a life where I deprive myself of happiness because of money. Money is a tool, it's made up. We, as a society, say it has value. It's meant to be used. Rich people are not inherently good or bad, they just have more of said tool than poor people. I am going to do the work to detach from every context I have around money and I am inviting the universe to support me in attracting clients who want to work with me, because when I am coaching, I am blissful. What a fabulous way to attract financial freedom and abundance!

As I mentioned, I took a seasonal job. I worked at a fabulous company that sells ham. There are many lessons I got from being a classroom teacher turned life coach to being in the ham retail business. I would like to celebrate them with you:

• Minimum wage jobs are HARD - I have a renewed appreciation for how hard people work, and no wonder the rest of their lives sometimes struggle, they give all their energy to their job, for not a lot of financial reward. 
• "No" doesn't have to mean anything. Just as I didn't care if someone turned down my ham sample or the ham I showed them, I am taking that same nonchalance into my life coaching business. This work isn't for everyone, I just want to find those who want it. 
• I am a great life coach and I am depriving myself and my future clients of my abilities if I stay in a job that saps me of all my energy, leaving nothing for what I love. I got my worth as a life coach, a priceless gift.
• I am pretty extraordinary...my sign doesn't lie. I operate in life with grace, ease, and intelligence. This job helped me own my gifts and strengths. It helped me feel complete and valuable.

Thank you to both my parents' visit and this job. In the past month I broke through something I haven't been able to transform. I am here, I am ready, and I am looking for people hungry for change. I am not creating new year resolutions, I am creating a whole new me. In an instant, life can transform. I'm ready. I'm willing. I'm HUNGRY for change. I declare myself to be brand new and free from my past. I can do anything and accomplish my dreams.