OK - where to start? I think I'll start when this all began to unravel, like an ugly Christmas sweater. I had this amazing breakthrough. I realized that when I was 15, and my 17 year old boyfriend *not just boyfriend, FIRST boyfriend* broke up with me, I quit my life. I realized for 25 years I'd been continuing to sabotage myself, to prove how worthless I was. Now, please read this NOT the way my parents did when they read my email from a quarter of the way around the world - this is a GOOD thing, a FANTASTIC thing! I realized that a 15 year old girl decided that she should have seen the warning signs, that she had been too passionate and too effusive with her feelings, and that because of that, the 17 year old broke up with her. Now, keep in mind, she also had spoken at the time with his best friend, and he'd also confirmed that said boy was pulling away from him as well. And we wisely concluded he was burning his bridges before heading half way around the world to college, away from everyone. Yes, that story wouldn't have caused this...because the "I'm worthless" was already in place. The bridge burning was the icing on the terd, so to speak. I currently have a 16 year old son - I adore him, but there's no way I'd put him in charge of this 40 year old's life! But basically, that's what I've been doing. I've been letting teenagers run my life. CRAZY! I got very clear that that was a story I made up, and that I can offer others - like maybe he was SOOOOOOOO in love with me it scared him. That's a touch more empowering than I'm worthless, don't you think? This was huge, and it caused me to complete things that had been dangling out there for a long time, like the completion of my webpage. It took me an hour...something that I'd worked on for HOURS over a span of weeks, if not months. An hour, boom, done. My toilet got a cleaning of a lifetime. Things were MOVING, I was in action, and I felt ALIVE and I loved it!
Now, just prior to this breakthrough I'd gotten a Dear John letter from my best friend. Needless to say, it triggered all of this, since I hadn't had my breakthrough yet. I felt blindsided, didn't see it coming. We've been friends for eight years, after all. How could she? I was proud, I didn't argue, I didn't defend, I just emailed her back. This is the woman who's in my will to get my kids...the woman who taught me to trust women friends again (yeah, that decision is another story going back to college). Now, POST breakthrough, I really was able to see what I hadn't seen before. I could see my part in her giving up on me. Yes, it still burns a little that she went straight to pulling the plug before trying CPR, but I can see that in her eyes, our friendship is dead. DED dead. I can see how I didn't love her the way she wanted to be loved, of course not, I was on a collision course with everything good in my life. Damn, she's one hell of a gal to have stuck it out 8 years! I also had her on a pedestal and I judged the hell out of her when she didn't fit MY image of who she should be. Wow, why'd she want to end our friendship?! I can't imagine! I've called, I've emailed, and I continue to stand for us to be able to resolve this, even if it's to end the friendship so there's NOTHING UNSAID - because I believe anything is possible through communication. AND, I've said what I need to say and am at peace. Old me, no way, woulda fought tooth and nail that I was right and she was wrong.
So, as my friendship is crashing and burning, my responsibility in all that isn't the way I want it to be is finally visible to me, like losing sunglasses in a dark room, as this roller coaster is careening its way around the track that is my life, I have the blessing of getting sick five days ago. So here's what I became present to, sitting there on the toilet. I really got present to how I'm living in the moment. My son has had whatever this is for about ten days now. He's sleeping on the couch, he's feeling very miserable, you can hear it in his voice. I've had this for five days, but I'm not fighting it...that's what I got present to. I cough a lot, I feel warm to the touch and, until I finally started taking ibuprofen, every time I coughed I had the most incredible stabbing pains in my head. But I'M NOT SICK. I AM ______________ (insert anything empowering) but I'm not sick. I have symptoms. That's why I've been enjoying myself the past few days...because I've been allowing myself to just be. I've been listening to my body and doing what it says. "Nap? Ok. Binge watch Lie to Me? Ok. Allow myself to be upset they canceled such an incredible show? Eh...ok, but just a moment." I'm here, I'm listening, and tonight, I created a digital vision board that I named Envisioning Dreams. I don't know if I can upload it, but I'll try. I spent hours doing what I know to be true, but haven't been doing myself - spending time focusing my thoughts of what I WANT.
What I know is the world is calling for me to be very very big. And consequently my response has been to shrink and be very very small. I've been shrinking for eight years (or 25 since deciding that?), but especially for the past 18 months. I've been a bad friend to all my friends, not intentionally, but gardens that aren't watered die. I haven't been tending my friendships, and they've gone elsewhere for friendship. You reap what you sow, right? Well, I've kept my seeds tightly fisted and hugged to my chest, all so I could complain about not having. I did this. And you know what's great? I have the power to open my hand, offer seed around, and have the WORLD flourish. But first, first I start at home. I start in my bathroom, scrubbing the shower. I start with that box of pictures and get rid of the 80% of them where I don't remember anyone in them, or where they're blurry. I start by letting my family know how very much they mean to me AND showing them with my actions. I start by remembering that each and every moment is a gift. And I remember a week ago where, in an instant, I thought we were going to T-Bone the kid on his cell phone who was flying down the highway, over compensated when he nearly sideswiped us, and ended up crossing in front of us. I remember him and the love and compassion I felt for him, having just graduated from college that morning. I remember the relief that my amazing husband stopped in time, and that all five of us walked away shaken, but not hurt (though I'm thinking he was sore for a few days). I think of his mother, able to hug her boy and congratulate him, instead of visiting him in the hospital, or worse. I remember - it's all we've got. Just moments, strung together. Make as many of them good ones as you can.
Begin a list of things you've been meaning to do, put due dates and actions you're going to take. And do them! Break them up into itty bitty pieces, so your list is super long! Then there's a lot to cross out. And, don't forget, every day, to look back and celebrate the distance you covered. Celebrate the moments you cherished. If you didn't meet your due date, change it. With NO MEANING attached, just change it. And if, after all this, you know someone who's looking to take on their life and make a difference in the world, send them to my website and suggest they hire me. With video conferencing, I'm available globally! I see that I haven't been putting myself out there because I'm afraid of the NOs, I'm afraid of getting "the wrong" clients. Ha ha, no such thing! I want the clients who read this and fall in love with my goofy, quirky, authentic (and sometimes cuss-y) personality. It doesn't have to mean anything, just like I loved that boy who almost killed us, I want the people who WANT ME and are up to make a difference. I will grow by serving others and helping them grow. Together. It does take that village.
Because guess what, we're all human, and you can't tell me you've never had an epiphany on the toilet - you just haven't posted it on the Internet. Yet. Let's make the world a more beautiful place - moment by moment.
And, just so it's clear, I LOVE YOU ALL, even if I haven't had the pleasure of getting to know you yet. Tomorrow - tomorrow I let my daughter dye my hair purple. Stay tuned, cuz just writing that makes my stomach a little queasy! Merry Christmas - and thank you for reading about my rebirth.
The pictures from Envisioning Dreams:
