The most devastating conversations in my life, and I would assert in all of our lives, happen between our ears. We are brutal with ourselves. My daughter showed me a meme once that said something like: If your friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, you wouldn't keep them as a friend. That really stuck with me, and I've thought of that often. In a training program I'm in now they tell us it's a dangerous neighborhood. And it IS! Your hopes and dreams may not make it out alive, those thoughts are killers.
So here's where I've been trying to stay standing...in my committment. I am committed to love on the planet. Someone mentioned recently to me in a seminar that we spend a lot of time looking at what's wrong in the world and wondering, "Why doesn't anyone do something?" -- I'm SOMEONE! I'm clear that if I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem. When I let my head speak, I hear a lot of "I don't know what to do" or "I don't know how" or, the one with the biggest bite, "Who do you think you are to think you can make a difference?" Who am I not to? It's NOT working to wait for someone else. Apathy isn't a choice I'm willing to keep making. Love on the planet...yeah, sounds pretty cheesy and impossible (says the voice in my head) -- but what if I'm even just 1% successful?! Does that make a difference? ABSOLUTELY. It's like the story of the starfish on the beach, it matters to that one. And even if that one is ME, it's worth it. If I focus my attention on LOVE, that changes me. It changes my thoughts, my actions, and my reactions. Already I see that my anger flares are fewer, and where I notice this the most is behind the wheel. Isn't that where we are the worst of ourselves?! It makes me laugh, but that sad laugh with a shake of my head. I am choosing to change how I listen to people from "What are they doing that's right and what are they doing that's wrong" to listening for their generous contribution. The results have been extraordinary and very surprising to me. Let me give you an example: I picked my son up from Boy Scout camp a few weeks ago, and he got into the van with this big bucket from Home Depot with a screw on lid. His father had filled it with snacks for him, and the bucket kept critters out while he was in the woods. I had this thought, "Wow, his dad really thought of everything and look at how much he filled that bucket with!" -- and immediately after that thought hit I realized what it would have been BEFORE generous contribution: "Damn him, he spends all that time and money on that stupid thing, but can't be bothered to pay child support?" I tell you what, I MUCH prefer how my body feels now compared to that. THAT thought would have gotten me irritated, and I wouldn't have been able to be present with my son as he shared about his two weeks at camp. I'll take generous contribution for the win, please!
What do I think is possible if I keep this game going? I firmly believe that it will empower people, who will empower people, who will......you get the idea. I think we can all fall in love with ourselves FIRST, and when we do, there will be peace in us that just naturally overflows and we can fall in love with each other, REGARDLESS of differences. When we fall in love with ourselves, I feel we can love the differences, instead of being afraid of them. When we fall in love with ourselves, there's nothing we fear being found out by others, so we can be open and vulnerable. What happens then? Others can show up open and vulnerable in our space. What happens then? Wow...I'd love to know what happens then on a global scale. What happens when everyone is tuned in to their purpose, loves themselves, and is empowered, open and vulnerable? I think peace is possible.
As I write this, there is an upside down dog asleep next to me. She reminds me, all there is in life is to love everyone and be vulnerable. She's not plagued by the opinions and judgements in her head. She's present RIGHT NOW. I think I'll take a lesson from her.
And the noise in my head right now? Well, it got a lot quieter. I began this post feeling sorry for myself for something that happened with a friend yesterday. I began this post heartbroken. I end this post heart-mended, heart-full, heart-whole. My friend chose what she chose, most likely due to the noise in her head. And I let her choices take me out. That was my choice. I chose to listen to the voices that said she didn't care about me, the voices that said I wasn't enough, the voices that said I was naive and not worthy. Those took me out, for about 36 hours. Boy did I have judgements and opinions about how she should have done things differently. But they are what they are and what I do have control over is what I choose to listen to in my head. I choose love. I choose vulnerability. I choose forgiveness. Because it changes WHO I AM. And who I am is extraordinary...because I said so.
