Phoenix Rising

 How much has changed since my last post. Since my last post, I've moved from South Carolina to New York State, I've been learning more than I ever wanted to know about the medical field because my daughter has some affliction that is beyond traditional medicine's scope, and I've been developing my connection to Spirit. My journey has wavered, meandered, twisted and turned. And when I turn and look back, I'm unrecognizable to myself and my former self is foreign. And, that's as it should be, I suspect. For what kind of living creates identical past and present?

I've been binge watching Outlander this month, on a quest to complete the entire series this month. This mission began when my mother-in-law, who lives with us, declared she was no longer paying for her subscription after the end of the month. Well, I didn't even realize we had one! I looked at the list and saw the show listed, and remembered I'd been interested in seeing it. Since starting, I've been obsessed, even dreaming about it and noticing my thoughts including "ken" and "ye", among other words. Due to being 50% German and speaking it, I started noticing similarities between Scottish and German and did a bunch of research. I had no idea Scots was a Germanic language!

But I digress. The epic love story of Outlander speaks to my heart. I am a sucker for true love. It's what calls me to coach. I believe life is too short to not fall in love with yourself, your community, and your true love. However, I wonder if I could live in the 1700s for love! Then yesterday, I drove for many hours with a sleeping passenger, so I listened to my new book: The Audacity to Be Queen: The Unapologetic Art of Dreaming Big and Manifesting Your Most Fabulous Life. In it, Gina DeVee speaks of female and male energy. She speaks of how women and feminine energy have been diminished over time. I often thought of Outlander's depiction of the mentality around women. Property. Tools to use. Servants. And, perhaps, that's why Jamie is such a pivotal character - he respects Claire from the beginning. He teaches the boys and men around him to respect women. In her teachings of how to be a queen, Ms. DeVee speaks about women stepping into their power. As Claire did time and again. Yet, there are times when Claire and Jamie had to fight about who was in charge. He teaches her when and how to be queen AND let him be king. I think we can modernize these lessons and it will make a huge difference in how we interact. It's given me a lot of food for thought. 

I used to be very out of balance when it came to my energy. I was of the belief that femininity was weak. "I don't need a man!" energy. So, I guess I attracted little boy energy instead, come to think of it! 😀 But there was always a part of me that also appreciated the courtesy of a door being held open, a comfort in the physical strength of a man who uses his strength to serve or protect, or the firm and gentle authority of an in-balance man. In 2007, I began my personal growth journey. about five years later, I began learning about male and female energy. It all made so much sense for me. The more I learned, the more I could feel when I was naturally in my feminine energy. Feminine energy isn't weak. It's fierce, but gentle. I realized that my father's energy wasn't balanced male energy, and my mother's wasn't balanced female. I was grouping everyone together when  there were so many paths to choose and ways to be. I felt my way into my energy, instead of running from it. I continue to and probably will until my dying breath. I know there will no top to that mountain!

So, I deepen my quest into my queendom and matriarchy. I am glad to have Claire as my role model. Strong-willed, intelligent, sensual, gentle, fierce Claire. She can be sexy in one minute and elbow deep in someone's blood while shouting orders the next. She and Jamie have their beautiful yin yang relationship where they keep no secrets and wear their hearts on their sleeves. Where vulnerability allows for passion. Where they know each other so deeply that they know what the other needs. Their respect for each other allows for all this. Their knowing of themselves. I want that for myself, my husband, and our marriage. For the world.

The more I lean into my feminine energy, the more I like who I am discovering. From barely knowing myself in my first marriage - I kept shrinking myself to please him. It never worked - to now; I'm excited for the future. Which is good, since the world right now...! 

In what ways are you stepping into, or wanting to step into, your feminine energy? What's on the other side, calling you forth? 

Box of Randomness

 I was up super late supporting my daughter with her virtual high school assignments so I am fuzzy brained today. I have been having random thoughts about things I think are quirky about me that I wonder if other people do, so I thought I'd brainstorm a list! 

• I love rippled potato chips dipped in ranch
• Fresh, crisp, clean sheets are the best to crawl into
• I can't walk past items misplaced in a store without at least leaving them somewhere obvious. If it's something that should be refrigerated and is still cold, I'll go out of my way to put it back. 
• Speaking of stores, I can't just leave my cart somewhere, it must be somewhere it goes, which is why I usually park by a cart corral.
• When I plate food for my family, I always pick one of the plates for myself. However, it's usually not about the food itself. Every once in awhile I'll pick the piece of meat I want for me or if there's something I really like, I might give myself just a little bit more. But it's usually something weirdly mundane, like I prefer one plate pattern over another, or I like how the food looks plated on one plate over another. Every time, I feel silly and strangely pleased by giving it to myself.
• It really bugs me when Tostito Scoops are eaten plain...they're scoops!
• Gunky toothpaste or any other openings gross me out - salad dressing, lotion, the dried milk around the opening...ick
• My house is often a mess, but if people leave a cup or bottle in my cupholder in my vehicle, I get upset. I bet that's crazy-making for my family! I think this is because my car is a smaller space and thus I feel I can keep it tidy and organized, while my house is shared with three others and I have some resignation -- something for me to take to my coach!

I'm sure there are a gazillion more, probably there are quirks that I don't even realize are more unique to me and not mainstream. 

The bottom line is how we think about these quirks we have. Writing this list, I'm not thinking, "These are wrong" or some other derogatory thought. I'm actually enjoying thinking of these quirky things and I'm thinking, "Ha! Aren't humans silly creatures?!"

I started this blog two weeks ago -- what's great about it is I've spent these two weeks looking for my quirks and loving them. In addition, I've been noticing the quirks of my family, and I've been practicing loving those, as well! I'm also noticing the quirky things I already love...and taking the opportunity to tell my loved ones what I love about them, especially when it's not something they would expect. 

YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE - QUIRKS AND ALL!

What if YOU spent time appreciating the goofy ways YOU show up in the world? What if you loved your quirks fully? What are the quirks you can't love in yourself and others? What if you just love those, too?

Practice taking just one step, one baby step, towards loving those quirks. Let me know what arises and what delightful discoveries you make!

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Grace and Acceptance

Last week, as I was sitting here trying to figure out what to write for my blog, a friend called me. As you can see, I never actually produced the blog that her call inspired...however, it's been simmering until now! 

First thing, I do try not to "figure out" things as my default. Work in progress. Everything is way more fun when I let my heart lead instead of my head.

So, my friend called, we'll call her Rose. We have a weekly call scheduled, but the week prior she didn't answer, didn't text, didn't call, nothing. So last week I didn't reach out, I just kept working. She called a few minutes after our scheduled time, and I was surprised! I answered, but kept my love from her...I interacted, but begrudgingly. I was very guarded. I didn't like how I was being, since I'm committed to being loving, but couldn't shake it. Not at first.

As I listened to her, though, compassion started seeping into my listening. I knew her struggle, as she described how taken out she had been the prior week. I have spent so much of my life reacting like a turtle, withdrawing into myself when it doesn't feel safe. I was merely a few steps ahead of her on this transformational journey we call life. And for me to not bring compassion would be to miss out on what it means to be human. Humankind. Both words, as the bumper sticker says. 

As I felt myself open my heart and let her in, and thus allowing love into my speaking as well, we connected more. The more I opened, the more compassion I had for her. It sucks to be in that stuck place, where you know in your head that what's best is to reach out and get yourself supported but the action is thwarted by your heart. It can be crippling and so very detrimental. For me, it looked like this (sometimes still does, but I've moved some mountains so it's not as reliable a reaction anymore, thank goodness!)

1) Something happens

2) I tell myself I shouldn't feel/react/think whatever my reaction was

3) I then am incredibly critical of my reaction, the resulting actions/non-actions

4) I have a thought that I should reach out and get myself supported by someone who can clear me (clearing is speaking with the intention of letting something go, compared to venting or complaining where the intention is to get the other person on your side so you can validate yourself)

5) I stay in the yuck and therefore have ANOTHER thing to make myself wrong for, that I didn't reach out and get clear

6) I decide I'm screwed/hopeless/worthless

7) I wallow

Ever had that experience? That feeling of wanting and knowing what will make you feel better, but it's as if your foot is nailed to the floor? Yeah, it ain't fun.

What if we listen to everyone through compassion? What if we never took things personally? I know that's not really possible, but what if we lived our lives that way?

I'm taking that on. That's a game worthy of my life.

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash   

Self-Expression and Professionalism

 I've been thinking a lot this past week about my "professional image" and who and how I want to be online. As I see it, there are two options for me. 

Option 1 - Be careful what I post, present a professional image, essentially edit myself

Option 2 - Allow myself to be fully self-expressed and trust that those who want to work with me will, and those that don't will be weeded out naturally

Now, when I talk about fully self-expressed, I'm not talking about much different from what I normally post. However, perhaps a little more "colorful" language. Perhaps a little more politics. Perhaps a little more social justice. A little more ME. 

I've been coached to NOT do Option 2. And I get it. Present myself as a professional. However, when I really get still and check in with myself, intuitively it seems that more open self-expression would allow for some pre-weeding, so to speak. People who connect with me know they connect with ME, not just some image I'm presenting. It seems to me this supports both me and my potential clients. Don't we enjoy following people on social media that we relate to? That we feel are expressing OUR beliefs, thoughts, concerns, and sense of humor?

But where is that line? 

Where's the line between too formal and too informal? 

I love it when my coach "tells one on herself." I can relate to her and her humanity, and often I can find myself in it. But what if she really let it all hang out? How would I feel then? 

I guess this blog post is less of a blog and more of a poll. I'd really like to hear your thoughts. Is this a shift in how people do business that I'm present to, like so many other cultural shifts that have happened in the past few years? Or am I bringing casualness to something that I shouldn't?

What do you think?

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Celebrate What You Don't Think You Can

Weird, right? 

We don't think about celebration that way. I first heard of this idea from Dave Ellis, transformational leader and author of Falling Awake. I really thought it sounded like an oxymoron.

And, in a way it is. But it's also access to finding that silver lining, no matter how dark the cloud.

This idea is what's kept me going, among other practices, during the past five months of Covid-19. While I certainly don't celebrate the ever-increasing death toll or the long term suffering people are experiencing, I have SOO many celebrations from this time. The first of which is that it allowed me to realize how much of my life was being gifted to others and not really being used for what I wanted to be doing - working more hours at my part-time job than I wanted to because they needed help, volunteering somewhere because they were short-handed, etc. What I realized is that it was my way of not being responsible (respond-able) for the things I SAID I was committed to. But if I'm spread thin, those don't get the attention they need, do they? Ahhh, the excuses.

But surely, Marjorie, you can't celebrate something like death or murder? Well, again, while I would never ever celebrate the suffering of another, there are often celebrations to be found. George Floyd's death, for example, sparked a revolution our country was desperate for. 

It's a difficult transition to make, mentally. We're so programmed to focus on what's wrong. Heck, turn the news on for five minutes and you'll see what I mean. We're also programmed to think in either/or. This idea requires some powerful both/and thinking. What do I mean by all that? 

Either/or -- something bad happened, I have to be sad or mad, I can't be happy. 
Both/and -- something bad happened, I can be sad AND I can also focus on the gem that comes from it.

If you think about it, we're making diamonds. It's pressure and heat that turns rock into diamonds. It's water cutting away at stone that created beautiful canyons. Beauty often comes from struggle. The most gentle souls often have the most difficult upbringing and childhood experiences.

Embrace it. Hold it and don't push it away. The pain and hurt is part of our growth, as much as we don't want to endure it. That's where taking on celebrating what you don't think you can makes subtle shifts in your life, and, little by little, as you practice any new habit, you'll notice your life is fuller and richer for it. 

I'd love to hear in the comments about what you've celebrated! 

Photo by Pineapple Supply Co. on Unsplash

Dump the Junk Drawer

Do you ever have a desire to accomplish something but then you end up standing there, unsure where to start? 

Yeah, me too. Often. I used to think there was something wrong with me.

When I was a 5th grade teacher, I took a class so I could better help my students who had ADD. I realized the people leading the class were describing what was happening in MY brain! "Oh my goodness, this is something other people experience?! I thought I was defective!" was what was right there for me at the time.

Since then I have begun to collect strategies and methods to support myself. In fact, as I write this, I'm using a technique I learned in the class - having another person there with you while you work. It has some great name that now escapes me - D'oh! While I write, my fellow ADDer (my diagnosis) and dear friend, David, is in my earbuds on Zoom. In fact, his timer just went off from the stretch break he was taking. In my brain? "Oooh, yes, I should start using a timer too!"

SQUIRREL!

Ok, back to the topic at hand, which really does all relate. 

One technique I have used recently with great success is called a Brain Dump. I even found these fun notepads for it. It's like dumping the junk drawer of your brain. I rely WAY too much on my brain to hold things, and since starting this process, I have more brainpower to do the things that are important to me instead of using it as a receptacle for snippets of conversation, to-do lists, grudges, and whatever else is cluttering the precious CAUSING LOVE part of my brain.

Even as I write this, I feel like this post is jumbled and incoherent. Perhaps I'll identify something from my past at some point that helps quiet that, but for now, the brain dump is gold for me. And it's so easy! Just like dumping the junk drawer so you can sort through it - dump what's in your brain onto a sheet of paper. Get it all out! All of the things you want to do. All of the things you need to do. All of the things you've not gotten to. All of the things you've said you would do and haven't. And especially all of the things you've been dreaming of doing and you haven't taken actions around to make them reality! Sometimes you can even do this when you feel off but don't know why. In that case, a friend with a big listening of you is a good person to dump that to, or better yet, a life coach who is going to be highly trained at listening and isn't going to take any of it personally!

Once you do your brain dump, there are multiple things you can do with that. Sometimes the first action is obvious. Other times you may need to incorporate a prioritizing activity. I learned a great one recently that I use all the time with great success. It's easy and quick, and it's heart-centered so it fits perfectly in what I'm here for (my WHY). And it leaves me with what action to take first, which is usually what stops me from taking ANY actions. 

Another tool that many people use successfully is a Mind Map. These are good for any projects you have that you don't know where to start working. I love these (when I remember to use them!) because I am very visual AND I like puzzles. I love seeing everything on paper, organized but not in a rigid way. Mind maps are a fantastic way to start a project, then you can do a brain dump for each category and then prioritize from there. 

I know people who have these things laid out for every project they have. People who have mastered being organized more than I have. During this pandemic-time, I have shifted greatly from comparing myself to others, in particular people like that, and finding myself lacking TO appreciating how we're all different and always learning and growing. Now I learn from those people around me that have something mastered that I don't, and then I can take action more freely.

What project have you not taken any action on? What do you want to accomplish before the end of the year? What are the tools YOU use that are helpful? I'd love to hear in the comments!

EVERY action moves you forward. Every one. Even (and often especially) those that feel like they are moving you backwards. You got this. Be your brilliant Self and go to bed tonight satisfied that you leveled up in your game of life. 

Go forth and love that squirrel!

Photo by Karolina Grabowska from Pexels

Emergency Room Extravaganza

(Apologies for formatting and lateness of this post. I have struggled to get this blog posted all evening, finally typing it in a Word document and sending it to myself so that I could copy and paste it on my phone. I will fix formatting as soon as I possibly can get my laptop to correctly login. This was written on Friday. Update 7/28: formatting is what it is, lol. I dunno.)

It's been a heck of a week! 

My daughter has felt nauseated since July 4th. Because nausea is a symptom to look out for with Covid-19, she chose to self-isolate. We contacted the doctor after a week and my daughter and the doctor had a virtual appointment. She prescribed acid-suppressing meds. No change. On Monday (July 20th) she started throwing up and didn't stop. Tuesday morning, I called the doctor again and they said, "I know you don't want to hear this, but you should take her to the Emergency Room." Thus, began our 12-hour Emergency Rooms tour.

 

We started at the ER nearest to us. After a short wait, they took us back and started an IV and took blood. Because she had been vomiting for almost 24 hours, they immediately started a saline drip and anti-nausea medication. After a few hours at this ER they told us there was nothing in her bloodwork to tell them what was going on. It indicated that she was dehydrated (understandably so) and slightly high white blood cells, but not high enough to cause any concern. They were getting ready to discharge her when, all of a sudden, she had a sharp pain in her lower right abdomen. Immediately, they had concerns for appendicitis. However, apparently, the ultrasound they needed was at another hospital...off we went to the Children's Hospital Emergency Room.

After driving through a thunderstorm, we pulled into our second ER of the day. On the way there we both agreed that appendicitis was good. It is known, little risk because she didn't have a lot of pain yet, and then we could release her from her quarantine. Ok, we can do this, this is good!

 

Several hours later, after an extensive ultrasound and more fluids and anti-nausea medication, it was time for the discharge conversation again. They hadn't found appendicitis, her ovaries were fine, nothing with her gallbladder. Maybe Covid-19? It has presented with children differently. But they didn't feel very confident about this. They were getting ready to discharge her with the provision that we come back if her pain increased. Then the attending came back and told us she was torn...like me, she had concerns that the dehydration would get worse if she sent us home. After checking in with what my daughter wanted, it being her body, after all, she was admitted to the hospital. At this point, she had had a bag of saline at the first ER and a bag and a half at the second one. 

 

We got settled into her room in the Pediatric Ward. Her first hospital stay since being born 14 years ago. She was feeling "puny", to quote the attending who admitted her. Her belly really hurt, the anti-nausea meds were working, but still, her tummy was all squirrely. She didn't trust herself to drink anything (though she did drink a can of Gatorade in the ER). Luckily the first ER had left her IV in, so she only had to be stuck once this whole time. 

 

We tried to sleep. I was on a chair that pulled out to a single bed. It felt like I was camping and once I found a comfy spot, I was afraid to move for fear of losing it. By 6am I had been woken numerous times and my body couldn't take that bed...so I moved to the recliner. My girl didn't look much better. The night doctor came in to check on us before she left and we talked about whether it could be Covid-19. She said in children they often have gastrointestinal symptoms and that they would test. With the shift change and my renewed fear that it might be coronavirus, I started thinking beyond medicine.

 

I remembered I had contact information for an intuitive healer. "Worth a shot," I thought. I texted her who I was, where I had gotten her information, and what was happening and asked if she had time. Then the nurse poked her head in and said they were going to do a Covid test and that everyone who came in the room would be all decked out in gowns and shields. I could feel my fear rise into my throat. 

 

Luckily, I heard back from the healer pretty quickly. She asked me to send a current picture of my daughter and told me she would call me after her meditation session. A little bit of hope crept into my fear. When she called me, she told me that it wasn't a virus (phew!) and that it was a bacterium acting like a parasite. "No problem, I can kill it. So, it doesn't overwhelm your daughter, I'll do it in a few sessions," she told me. Wait, what? Really??  I quickly sent her payment via Venmo and waited.

 

Meanwhile, gowned, masked and shielded people came and went. A nurse with a Covid test up the nose and three doctors who had no idea what could be wrong with my daughter. 

 

I've heard people who are empathic or intuitive talk about getting downloads. I've always wondered what they meant. 

 

Then, while helping my daughter go to the bathroom and wash her hands, I had this experience - it was like I got a whole bunch of information in a split second. While holding onto her IV tubes while she painstakingly washed her hands, using what seemed like the last of her energy, it hit me. "I'm living out of a fear of something that my instinct says isn't true!" I'm all about love, and here I've been living in fear. I remember hearing about perfectly healthy babies who have failure-to-thrive in orphanages because they don't get touched enough. My friend and wellness coach always says we need at least 12 hugs a day to maintain health. My daughter is incredibly touchy-feely. No wonder she's not doing well, I'm not being MOM! I'm letting fear circumvent my maternal instinct. As a mom, I will do practically anything to make sure my kids are thriving. And I've let my fear of a virus that I don't think she has run the show. This was all in a split-second. My daughter felt and saw a shift in me. I wrapped my arms around her fragile body and held her and apologized. 

 

After that, my daughter napped. She slept more peacefully and deeply than I had seen in a long time. My heart was full, I couldn't help but just sit there and watch her.

 

 

While she slept, the nurse came in to tell me her test was negative. Confirmation of what I already knew in my knowing. Her sleep was confirmation to me of the healer's energy work and the rehydration efforts of the multiple IVs (at this point I think we were up to five or so bags). 

 

When she woke up, she looked different. Softer, somehow. Like the edges that the pain had caused were easing back. My daughter was starting to emerge again through that fog of pain. She was finally willing to try and drink something from her collection of about 15 little bottles and cans they had brought her. It was like winning the lottery for this momma.

 

By the time our fantastic day nurse, MM, came to say goodbye, it was obvious she was feeling better. We were exhausted from everything and we headed to bed early. But, lying there in the dark, we gabbed like we were at a slumber party while holding hands. 

 

Yesterday, Thursday, I woke at 5:30am when her IV bag ran dry and couldn't go back to sleep. So, she and I watched the sun come up. Wednesday she couldn't even tolerate the shades being open, but yesterday we had them wide open, watching the helicopter come and go, the Covid-19 testing line, and the shapes in the clouds. She went to the bathroom by herself and danced with her IV pole (sorry, she won't let me post that video). My spunky, sassy, sunshine of a daughter was peeking back out, full of life and ravenous. After permission from the doctor, she had a banana. When that stayed down, she had a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, grits, and a biscuit. I was a little worried that was too fast, but that stayed down too. "Yep, she's gonna be ok," I thought.

Shortly after that, the doctors rounded. They stood at the foot of her bed; mouths agape at the transformation she had made in 24 hours. 

 

Eight and a half bags of saline and two nights in the hospital later, she was discharged around 3pm Thursday, July 23, 2020.

 

As I write this, a day after we came home and a long night's sleep for both of us, I'm in awe. I'm very present to the power of love and intuition. We have a culture of authority. We listen to others instead of ourselves. Can I say definitively what has my daughter home next to me on the couch, munching on mango? No. But what I am present to is we all worked together. I don't think she would have bounced back as fast without the energy work. But the energy work wouldn't have been as successful without the IVs flushing the killed bacteria out of her system. And, she wouldn't have been as settled without the unconditional love and comfort of mom. 

 

And I'm clear it wouldn't have happened had I not started listening to myself. And I feel that Spirit was right there with us, to make sure we got the care she needed and for us to all have the breakthroughs along the way. In the first ER, the pain in the side. In the second, the attending offering us the choice instead of the resident sending us home. My niggle to call the medical intuit. My download. I'm not someone who has had that kind of relationship with Spirit before. This is my turning point. This is my line in the sand. Trust myself. Forget what others think and TRUST MYSELF. There are so many times this week that I could have ignored niggles. And you can argue so much in here. Any one of three things could be given all the credit for her recovery. It doesn’t really matter what did it, not to me. Having my daughter curled up on the couch next to me now is the world to me.

 

Who do you need to go hug right now? Where is fear crippling you? Where is life on hold? Go, take powerful action.

 

 

No one gets out alive, every day is do or die
The one thing you leave behind
Is how did you love, how did you love?

 

Shinedown, “How Did You Love?”