Last week, as I was sitting here trying to figure out what to write for my blog, a friend called me. As you can see, I never actually produced the blog that her call inspired...however, it's been simmering until now!
First thing, I do try not to "figure out" things as my default. Work in progress. Everything is way more fun when I let my heart lead instead of my head.
So, my friend called, we'll call her Rose. We have a weekly call scheduled, but the week prior she didn't answer, didn't text, didn't call, nothing. So last week I didn't reach out, I just kept working. She called a few minutes after our scheduled time, and I was surprised! I answered, but kept my love from her...I interacted, but begrudgingly. I was very guarded. I didn't like how I was being, since I'm committed to being loving, but couldn't shake it. Not at first.
As I listened to her, though, compassion started seeping into my listening. I knew her struggle, as she described how taken out she had been the prior week. I have spent so much of my life reacting like a turtle, withdrawing into myself when it doesn't feel safe. I was merely a few steps ahead of her on this transformational journey we call life. And for me to not bring compassion would be to miss out on what it means to be human. Humankind. Both words, as the bumper sticker says.
As I felt myself open my heart and let her in, and thus allowing love into my speaking as well, we connected more. The more I opened, the more compassion I had for her. It sucks to be in that stuck place, where you know in your head that what's best is to reach out and get yourself supported but the action is thwarted by your heart. It can be crippling and so very detrimental. For me, it looked like this (sometimes still does, but I've moved some mountains so it's not as reliable a reaction anymore, thank goodness!)
1) Something happens
2) I tell myself I shouldn't feel/react/think whatever my reaction was
3) I then am incredibly critical of my reaction, the resulting actions/non-actions
4) I have a thought that I should reach out and get myself supported by someone who can clear me (clearing is speaking with the intention of letting something go, compared to venting or complaining where the intention is to get the other person on your side so you can validate yourself)
5) I stay in the yuck and therefore have ANOTHER thing to make myself wrong for, that I didn't reach out and get clear
6) I decide I'm screwed/hopeless/worthless
7) I wallow
Ever had that experience? That feeling of wanting and knowing what will make you feel better, but it's as if your foot is nailed to the floor? Yeah, it ain't fun.
What if we listen to everyone through compassion? What if we never took things personally? I know that's not really possible, but what if we lived our lives that way?
I'm taking that on. That's a game worthy of my life.
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| Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash |
