Being Love

I sit here watching the anger and frustration overflow in Minneapolis. We are in the middle of a pandemic, one that many feel is being mismanaged and causing more suffering and pain for the millions of Americans who are affected, either directly or indirectly. To be clear, this is NOT a political post. This is a post in support of humanity and love.

I say that my purpose on the planet is love. It took me a long time to feel that this wasn't hokey. Sometimes I still grapple with that. But then I look at what is happening in our country and I'm clear it's sometimes VERY HARD to be love. How do you come from love when someone shoots a McDonald's employee for telling them the dining room is closed? How do you come from love when people say that 100,000+ dead is a hoax and that it's all an elaborate con? How do you come from love when you watch the police, who are there to protect and serve, gang up on a man and kneel on him until he dies?

That's the question on my mind tonight. I am SO angry, scared and heartbroken for our country tonight. So I rely on what I know, what I believe in. Love. I love myself and all of my feels -- I call it having grace for myself. I feel free to limit my exposure to the news right now, because of how much I feel the feels. I try not to limit such that I stay in a bubble, but enough that I can function in an empowered way (vs curled up under the covers, crying for all the pain and suffering out there). And I reach out to those I love and tell them. When I was a teacher I would tell my students that love creates more love, and hate creates more hate. Think about it...it really is that simple. If you're angry and someone you're angry with reacts with love and understanding, your anger abates (unless you REALLY want them pissed off). If you're angry and they act defensively, it confirms your anger and it grows.

So, being love, I've come to realize, is WAAAYYYY harder than reacting the way I want to. I want to blame, fault, accuse...I want to be righteous and call people idiots. But I don't really. Because when I come from love, it honors ME. It's like forgiveness, you don't forgive people for them, often they aren't even aware of your upset. You forgive people for YOUR peace and happiness. Choosing to BE love is the same. I sleep well at night knowing I've added joy and happiness, even just a little, into a tumultuous world. My life is fun when I choose love, because then I'm looking for who I can make smile and how. We find what we look for in the world, and when I look for love, I see it. When I look for hate, I see it. That's easy, love is sometimes Waldo.

So, right now I choose to believe that everyone is doing their best in this pandemic. It's a new experience for everyone and we're all navigating it our own way. And I also choose to believe that our country is having all weaknesses exposed, the racism that was hidden but not gone is now on the surface, as is corruption and corporations running things. All of that was, but we didn't realize it. Now that we realize it, we can act on it and make the world a better place. I choose the interpretation that empowers me and has me be my best self.

And sometimes being love is damn hard. But it's always worth it.

Vines, Part 2

Now that we've cleared about half of our property, we can really see the results. It's like we've made part of our land turn from a jungle to a forest. One of the things we've noticed is how the trees move. Trees were made to bend in the wind so they don't fall over. With large vines in those trees, not only are they getting valuable nutrients sucked out of them, but it adds to the foliage in the canopy. We've had some fairly strong winds recently, and we've lost branches and even have a tree that's partially out of the ground. We realized that these vines also create more of a sail, so instead of the wind passing THROUGH the trees, it was being caught by the trees. Not good. You've got the wind pushing on the tops of trees that are already weaker. Recipe for downed trees.

One of the vines stretched down our driveway

Battle of strength

A vine that my hubs couldn't pull out of the tree. It's the size of my wrist!

In life we have our own version of vines. Things that suck the life from us. Things that keep us from being able to bend and adapt to what life brings. And, just like our property, there's a neverending supply of things. You pluck one, another shows up. However, also like our property, when you can identify enough of those "sucks" and complete them, then you can manage to easily identify the new ones while they are still weak. Or you start getting curious and go looking for those big ones that slipped by. Curiosity has it be fun, like what we've started feeling as our jungle starts looking more like a state park. As we create walking trails and access to a little stream. As we see wildlife we haven't seen before.

In this time, where everything is different and new and scary and frustrating, it's VERY easy to have those "sucks" show up. The difficulty can sometimes be not letting them consume you like the vines did to so many of our trees. Even for me, with a toolbox full of ways to get and keep myself empowered and lots of people on my team that I can call, I still have moments, half days sometimes, where I'm just so consumed by my thoughts and doubts. I'm practicing not resisting, but to just keep swaying in the breeze.

Find grace for yourself in these uncertain times. 💜

Vines Choking Your Life

I don't even know what day of quarantine I'm on at this point. But recently I spent a few hours on our property, freeing my small patch of blackberry plants along the driveway from the ever-creeping vines. While doing so, I had lots of time with my thoughts. Here are my random thoughts on how what I did in the yard is like what I do professionally.

What you may or may not know about blackberries: They grow long stems, have teeny thorns, have a shallow root system, and create yummy fruit. Those long stems break VERY easily, so many of my plants were broken halfway, still producing flowers and new leaves, even through those broken stems.

The vines: I have found at least three different types of vines in our woods. We've got the dreaded kudzu, but only in one part. Then we have two where I was working - one is spiky and mean looking. The other, the one that likes my blackberries, is a pretty reddish color with lovely delicate green leaves. However, as with all vines, they wrap around plants and choke them out. I have spent many hours over the past weeks carefully unwrapping my blackberries.

Photo by Utsman Media on Unsplash

I took a great picture that day, I thought. When I looked back I realized the background was in crisp detail -- oops. This is almost as good, haha. What I mostly wanted you to see was how they twist together.

So what does all this have to do with me and my profession?

We sometimes are just as fragile as my blackberries. We catch our thorns on items (or use them to keep people away so they don't see how delicate we think we are), break easily, and quickly get pulled out of the ground. We often so quickly give up on those things that give us life and energy and make us feel alive. It can seem like things in life get their roots in us and suck the life out of us. Sometimes people let those things take over and it kills them. And sometimes, hopefully more often than not, we use our community to pull those vines off of us so we can blossom and produce beautiful fruit.

That's what I do...I help people untangle the vines and free themselves so they can blossom. I listen for what really makes them grow and thrive. I support them in growing deeper roots than my blackberries so that they are unshakable and can weather any storm.

Time to pull the vines and grow and thrive. Share your bounty with the world.

The blackberry blossoms I freed that first day

Manifesting Queen

Do you know how often I've written a new posting -- in my head? And how often I've thought about that last one and wondered if it's professional, if I should take it down, if I'm crazy to leave it up...!  

To complete on a few things from the last post, so many many moons ago - I took it on to allow my friend to say everything she needed to say so we could close the book on...well, on whatever we chose to at that point. In the conversation, what transpired is that something YEARS ago had upset her, and she'd held onto it. It was this wound, festering, in our relationship. My move three hours away just added to that wound. When I shared with her that her upset, which involved her daughter (momma bear got activated), was completely different in my memory, she got curious. I shared with her MY memory of that event. We ended the conversation completely restored to love for each other. There is SOO much power in communication. In standing in love and listening! In not writing each other off. Now, she and I are not as in touch with each other now as we were, but I know she's just a phone call away, and I trust she knows that too. Two very busy mommas, connected forever and always there for each other.

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Now, what I want to share with you! 

There is SO much power in declaring what you want and getting out of the way!

About a month ago I realized I wanted to be acknowledged for all I do -- especially for the miles I drive for my not-so-minis. I realized how I am not a demand for being supported, and I allow others to demand things of me and feel guilty if I do. I took on being WILDLY supported...and gave up any comments in my head that said I didn't know how to do that or what that looked like.

On the way home from the event I was at, late on a Sunday night, I called a friend to get support for dropping off my rental vehicle the next day. He realized the only reason I was coming home was to take a kid to school, and then I'd be heading back where I was. He offered to take her. Wildly supported! Wow, that was easy!

So then I called my husband and asked him to Priceline a hotel. I delighted in my cozy little room, all to myself. No dogs, no kids, no cats...no interruptions. In the morning I woke for my appointment and saw they had called me. To cancel, she was sick. I had that flicker of "What?!" and then realized, this was wild support too, I could lounge around a bit, take a leisurely shower, and get home when I wanted to!

Then came Valentine's Day, my husband's working in NYC, and I had no expectations of anything. We don't really do much for Valentine's Day. Imagine my surprise as flowers, cheesecake and strawberries are delivered!

I think I like this wildly supported thing. 

Next, I took on replacing my 2003 van -- the one I lived in. 255,000 miles and counting. The one that stroked my hair because the ceiling is saggy and the one that, while being a fabulous vehicle, is plumb worn out. I've never shopped for a vehicle before and really been at choice. That was fun! Do you know how many improvements there are in minivans in the past 13 years?! Heck, even a five-year-old van is a Caddy to me! And I could take my time, go the same way as this, and get CLEAR and PROUD of what I want in my new van...and trust I'll find it.

The kids and I made a list of all our "Must Haves" and "Would Likes" for the new van. Our new van, that we've had almost three weeks now, has everything on the "must have" and half of the "would likes". Sadly (for my son) they didn't have any with machine guns mounted on the roof or mini-fridges. In three weeks I've put more than 3,000 miles on the new van. The best part of wildly supporting myself is that I gave the old van to a friend. A friend who gives her heart and soul to all she does and expects nothing in return. It makes my heart full to be able to support her that way. 

I'm thinking perhaps the reason I haven't been as wildly supported before is because I got in my own way...where are you doing the same? Who wants to take on being wildly supported? What would that look like for you?

How are YOU going to show YOU how much you love yourself? What are you going to create to step into? This is delighting me, join me!

Toilet Epiphany

Ha ha...yeah, buckle your seat belt. I was sitting on the toilet a few moments ago and all of a sudden my brain started writing a blog. You've perhaps noticed I haven't written one since the summer...I was wondering how often I'd write - apparently the answer is every six months or so. So, as I was saying, my brain flooded with all these great words, all put together so wonderfully, about nothing that connected at all. Other than me. I had the thought, as I often do, "I'll do it tomorrow when I'm rested." An especially convincing thought since I've got the plague (not really - many might call it the flu, not sure what it is, I'm not an MD) But that's what I do. I put off. I put EVERYTHING off. That's what my toilet epiphany was so profound. I've had a hell of a past six weeks or so. I'm going to do my best to be succinct and link it all together. Bear in mind, I'm hacking up a lung and have a fever and a headache. I'm sure this will be super coherent. No - but I do think it will be super authentic. That's what I'm really getting. What a fraud I am! I'm not living the life I want to live. Far from it! I'm not even in the same zip code, state, or probably country as my life. Figuratively, of course. I've been living this life of fear that, for some reason, seems to have lifted. For good? Hope so. Not that there's anything wrong with who that woman was (hopeful verb tense), but she's not who I AM. Who I am is a powerful, kickass leader. And apparently one who is going to cuss considerably more than usual - wait, it's the third blog, is there a usual yet? I can compete well verbally in a cussing duel. Like there is such a thing (shaking my head, as if to clear the cobwebs and the ADD).

OK - where to start? I think I'll start when this all began to unravel, like an ugly Christmas sweater. I had this amazing breakthrough. I realized that when I was 15, and my 17 year old boyfriend *not just boyfriend, FIRST boyfriend* broke up with me, I quit my life. I realized for 25 years I'd been continuing to sabotage myself, to prove how worthless I was. Now, please read this NOT the way my parents did when they read my email from a quarter of the way around the world - this is a GOOD thing, a FANTASTIC thing! I realized that a 15 year old girl decided that she should have seen the warning signs, that she had been too passionate and too effusive with her feelings, and that because of that, the 17 year old broke up with her. Now, keep in mind, she also had spoken at the time with his best friend, and he'd also confirmed that said boy was pulling away from him as well. And we wisely concluded he was burning his bridges before heading half way around the world to college, away from everyone. Yes, that story wouldn't have caused this...because the "I'm worthless" was already in place. The bridge burning was the icing on the terd, so to speak. I currently have a 16 year old son - I adore him, but there's no way I'd put him in charge of this 40 year old's life! But basically, that's what I've been doing. I've been letting teenagers run my life. CRAZY! I got very clear that that was a story I made up, and that I can offer others - like maybe he was SOOOOOOOO in love with me it scared him. That's a touch more empowering than I'm worthless, don't you think? This was huge, and it caused me to complete things that had been dangling out there for a long time, like the completion of my webpage. It took me an hour...something that I'd worked on for HOURS over a span of weeks, if not months. An hour, boom, done. My toilet got a cleaning of a lifetime. Things were MOVING, I was in action, and I felt ALIVE and I loved it!

Now, just prior to this breakthrough I'd gotten a Dear John letter from my best friend. Needless to say, it triggered all of this, since I hadn't had my breakthrough yet. I felt blindsided, didn't see it coming. We've been friends for eight years, after all. How could she? I was proud, I didn't argue, I didn't defend, I just emailed her back. This is the woman who's in my will to get my kids...the woman who taught me to trust women friends again (yeah, that decision is another story going back to college). Now, POST breakthrough, I really was able to see what I hadn't seen before. I could see my part in her giving up on me. Yes, it still burns a little that she went straight to pulling the plug before trying CPR, but I can see that in her eyes, our friendship is dead. DED dead. I can see how I didn't love her the way she wanted to be loved, of course not, I was on a collision course with everything good in my life. Damn, she's one hell of a gal to have stuck it out 8 years! I also had her on a pedestal and I judged the hell out of her when she didn't fit MY image of who she should be. Wow, why'd she want to end our friendship?! I can't imagine! I've called, I've emailed, and I continue to stand for us to be able to resolve this, even if it's to end the friendship so there's NOTHING UNSAID - because I believe anything is possible through communication. AND, I've said what I need to say and am at peace. Old me, no way, woulda fought tooth and nail that I was right and she was wrong.

So, as my friendship is crashing and burning, my responsibility in all that isn't the way I want it to be is finally visible to me, like losing sunglasses in a dark room, as this roller coaster is careening its way around the track that is my life, I have the blessing of getting sick five days ago. So here's what I became present to, sitting there on the toilet. I really got present to how I'm living in the moment. My son has had whatever this is for about ten days now. He's sleeping on the couch, he's feeling very miserable, you can hear it in his voice. I've had this for five days, but I'm not fighting it...that's what I got present to. I cough a lot, I feel warm to the touch and, until I finally started taking ibuprofen, every time I coughed I had the most incredible stabbing pains in my head. But I'M NOT SICK. I AM ______________ (insert anything empowering) but I'm not sick. I have symptoms. That's why I've been enjoying myself the past few days...because I've been allowing myself to just be. I've been listening to my body and doing what it says. "Nap? Ok. Binge watch Lie to Me? Ok. Allow myself to be upset they canceled such an incredible show? Eh...ok, but just a moment." I'm here, I'm listening, and tonight, I created a digital vision board that I named Envisioning Dreams. I don't know if I can upload it, but I'll try. I spent hours doing what I know to be true, but haven't been doing myself - spending time focusing my thoughts of what I WANT.

What I know is the world is calling for me to be very very big. And consequently my response has been to shrink and be very very small. I've been shrinking for eight years (or 25 since deciding that?), but especially for the past 18 months. I've been a bad friend to all my friends, not intentionally, but gardens that aren't watered die. I haven't been tending my friendships, and they've gone elsewhere for friendship. You reap what you sow, right? Well, I've kept my seeds tightly fisted and hugged to my chest, all so I could complain about not having. I did this. And you know what's great? I have the power to open my hand, offer seed around, and have the WORLD flourish. But first, first I start at home. I start in my bathroom, scrubbing the shower. I start with that box of pictures and get rid of the 80% of them where I don't remember anyone in them, or where they're blurry. I start by letting my family know how very much they mean to me AND showing them with my actions. I start by remembering that each and every moment is a gift. And I remember a week ago where, in an instant, I thought we were going to T-Bone the kid on his cell phone who was flying down the highway, over compensated when he nearly sideswiped us, and ended up crossing in front of us. I remember him and the love and compassion I felt for him, having just graduated from college that morning. I remember the relief that my amazing husband stopped in time, and that all five of us walked away shaken, but not hurt (though I'm thinking he was sore for a few days).  I think of his mother, able to hug her boy and congratulate him, instead of visiting him in the hospital, or worse. I remember - it's all we've got. Just moments, strung together. Make as many of them good ones as you can.

Begin a list of things you've been meaning to do, put due dates and actions you're going to take. And do them! Break them up into itty bitty pieces, so your list is super long! Then there's a lot to cross out. And, don't forget, every day, to look back and celebrate the distance you covered. Celebrate the moments you cherished. If you didn't meet your due date, change it. With NO MEANING attached, just change it. And if, after all this, you know someone who's looking to take on their life and make a difference in the world, send them to my website and suggest they hire me. With video conferencing, I'm available globally! I see that I haven't been putting myself out there because I'm afraid of the NOs, I'm afraid of getting "the wrong" clients. Ha ha, no such thing! I want the clients who read this and fall in love with my goofy, quirky, authentic (and sometimes cuss-y) personality. It doesn't have to mean anything, just like I loved that boy who almost killed us, I want the people who WANT ME and are up to make a difference. I will grow by serving others and helping them grow. Together. It does take that village.

Because guess what, we're all human, and you can't tell me you've never had an epiphany on the toilet - you just haven't posted it on the Internet. Yet. Let's make the world a more beautiful place - moment by moment.

And, just so it's clear, I LOVE YOU ALL, even if I haven't had the pleasure of getting to know you yet. Tomorrow - tomorrow I let my daughter dye my hair purple. Stay tuned, cuz just writing that makes my stomach a little queasy! Merry Christmas - and thank you for reading about my rebirth.

The pictures from Envisioning Dreams:

Brain Noise

It's fascinating to me how lit up I was after my very first blog post...and how much I wanted to post again. And yet, it's been seven months. Seven months of thinking about it, evaluating it, debating it, pondering ideas to write about, and, ultimately, seven months of dismissing the idea. Seven months of telling myself the idea wasn't good enough, wasn't smart enough, wasn't bold enough, wasn't ______ enough. Seven months! That's over 200 days! Granted, I didn't spend each and every day thinking about it, but I thought about it AT LEAST once a month...so, let's say ten times. Ten times I denied myself the same feeling of accomplishment that I felt after the first post. And for those ten times, how much negative self talk accompanied it? A LOT.

The most devastating conversations in my life, and I would assert in all of our lives, happen between our ears. We are brutal with ourselves. My daughter showed me a meme once that said something like: If your friend spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, you wouldn't keep them as a friend. That really stuck with me, and I've thought of that often. In a training program I'm in now they tell us it's a dangerous neighborhood. And it IS! Your hopes and dreams may not make it out alive, those thoughts are killers.

So here's where I've been trying to stay standing...in my committment. I am committed to love on the planet. Someone mentioned recently to me in a seminar that we spend a lot of time looking at what's wrong in the world and wondering, "Why doesn't anyone do something?" -- I'm SOMEONE! I'm clear that if I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem. When I let my head speak, I hear a lot of "I don't know what to do" or "I don't know how" or, the one with the biggest bite, "Who do you think you are to think you can make a difference?" Who am I not to? It's NOT working to wait for someone else. Apathy isn't a choice I'm willing to keep making. Love on the planet...yeah, sounds pretty cheesy and impossible (says the voice in my head) -- but what if I'm even just 1% successful?! Does that make a difference? ABSOLUTELY. It's like the story of the starfish on the beach, it matters to that one. And even if that one is ME, it's worth it. If I focus my attention on LOVE, that changes me. It changes my thoughts, my actions, and my reactions. Already I see that my anger flares are fewer, and where I notice this the most is behind the wheel. Isn't that where we are the worst of ourselves?! It makes me laugh, but that sad laugh with a shake of my head. I am choosing to change how I listen to people from "What are they doing that's right and what are they doing that's wrong" to listening for their generous contribution. The results have been extraordinary and very surprising to me. Let me give you an example: I picked my son up from Boy Scout camp a few weeks ago, and he got into the van with this big bucket from Home Depot with a screw on lid. His father had filled it with snacks for him, and the bucket kept critters out while he was in the woods. I had this thought, "Wow, his dad really thought of everything and look at how much he filled that bucket with!" -- and immediately after that thought hit I realized what it would have been BEFORE generous contribution: "Damn him, he spends all that time and money on that stupid thing, but can't be bothered to pay child support?" I tell you what, I MUCH prefer how my body feels now compared to that. THAT thought would have gotten me irritated, and I wouldn't have been able to be present with my son as he shared about his two weeks at camp. I'll take generous contribution for the win, please!

What do I think is possible if I keep this game going? I firmly believe that it will empower people, who will empower people, who will......you get the idea. I think we can all fall in love with ourselves FIRST, and when we do, there will be peace in us that just naturally overflows and we can fall in love with each other, REGARDLESS of differences. When we fall in love with ourselves, I feel we can love the differences, instead of being afraid of them. When we fall in love with ourselves, there's nothing we fear being found out by others, so we can be open and vulnerable. What happens then? Others can show up open and vulnerable in our space. What happens then? Wow...I'd love to know what happens then on a global scale. What happens when everyone is tuned in to their purpose, loves themselves, and is empowered, open and vulnerable? I think peace is possible.

As I write this, there is an upside down dog asleep next to me. She reminds me, all there is in life is to love everyone and be vulnerable. She's not plagued by the opinions and judgements in her head. She's present RIGHT NOW. I think I'll take a lesson from her.

And the noise in my head right now? Well, it got a lot quieter. I began this post feeling sorry for myself for something that happened with a friend yesterday. I began this post heartbroken. I end this post heart-mended, heart-full, heart-whole. My friend chose what she chose, most likely due to the noise in her head. And I let her choices take me out. That was my choice. I chose to listen to the voices that said she didn't care about me, the voices that said I wasn't enough, the voices that said I was naive and not worthy. Those took me out, for about 36 hours. Boy did I have judgements and opinions about how she should have done things differently. But they are what they are and what I do have control over is what I choose to listen to in my head. I choose love. I choose vulnerability. I choose forgiveness. Because it changes WHO I AM. And who I am is extraordinary...because I said so.