Voices

You know that little voice in your head? The one that you probably think is you but mostly it speaks in ways that make you feel smaller/icky/sad? It's got a few names for it, depending on who you talk to. Most known is probably ego or identity. 

Your identity is there to make sure you wake up breathing. It's that part of you that decided when you were three that strangers are scary or that you don't deserve nice things or WHATEVER it might have to say. And, when you were three, it WAS important that you had a little fear of strangers. But at 33, as you're trying to build your own business or make friends, it kinda gets in the way, doesn't it?

Here's the thing -- that voice isn't you. Your true authentic Self (big S) is that you when you're in action, empowered, and feel ALIVE. That's you. Everything else is a conversation that sometimes serves you but often doesn't. The great thing is that you can start noticing it -- and start realizing what you let yourself off the hook for when you listen. 

I have a very strong conversation of "there's something wrong here". This impacts: relationships (They didn't call me back, what did I do wrong?), projects (I'll never be able to get it done), and especially my own self-worth (If you were different, _____ wouldn't be this way), etc. Throw in a pandemic and racial protests and it's kinda terrifying being me some days. The wonderful thing about living committed to love and transformation is that I can just recognize whatever flavor of "there's something wrong" that's running and then take action. 

Wanna know why I think "there's something wrong" is so productive in my life? Because it lets me off the hook. For everything. I get to wallow. I get to be sad. It justifies me being out of action. And until recently, it's been very effective. But in the past week my husband found out his contract is being terminated early, an important young lady in my life told me she is self-harming, my ex-husband told me I was being a bitch because I was worried about Covid (and because I was mad he came and got my son without communicating with me), and my financial coach turned out to be a con man...and I only wallowed a wee bit. 

When you can not let life take you out, it's even more fun! We ALL have our own flavor of conversations that happen and being able to recognize them and BE IN ACTION ANYWAY. Life happens in the action, not in the inaction. Think of the moments in life when you felt most alive -- I bet they started with that voice telling you it was a bad idea.

So, what are you not taking action on that you really want to? Go for it. Take one tiny action. Everything moves you forward.

Life happens FOR you, not TO you. You're the author of you life. YOU. Go write a best seller.

Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash

Inner Critic -- Tame Thyself!

About a week ago I began to pull the string of my latest mind-blowing breakthrough. 

I knew I was judgemental, I think we all are, to an extent. I just figured I had an extra big helping of it. My inner critic had A LOT to say about me. I bet yours does too. Have you ever noticed that it's never complimentary? What a life it would be if my inner critic was also a cheerleader! But no, mine likes beating the drum of me not being worthy and not enough. Recently I've noticed it really likes, "Why bother?" Like I need help not doing the things I want to get done while quarantined. 

One of the big things I realized last week is that I listened to everything other people were saying through this filter. What I mean is, if someone said something that wasn't dripping with love, I heard criticism. I live with two teenagers. Let's just say I heard a lot of criticism. With my 16-year-old it would go something like this, multiple times a day, "You don't need to take that tone with me?"

"I don't have a tone, I'm just taaaalking!"

And then we'd both go stomping off. Fun times.

Realizing how much I listened through criticism, of myself and others, had me see so many places that this filter nailed my foot to the ground. 

• I'm committed to love on the planet...hello, that starts with ME!
• It made me pick fights with people because they'd say things and I'd get defensive, which of course makes them defensive
• I never trusted others fully, even an "I love you" from my husband would get a "Yeah, but..." from my brain
• I could never allow myself to get feedback from my peers, from letting others read something I wrote to presenting something...it terrified me and kept me small.
• Just look at my blogging history, that voice kept me from speaking out with a whole lot of, "You need something perfect to say..." or "Who do you think you are? No one wants to hear what you have to say."
• Needing to be perfect everywhere (and therefore often not starting things) -- so I didn't exercise, create workshops, allow myself to be fully myself with people, etc.

I'm sure I could go on and on.

The best thing about this is I keep noticing the LACK of the critic. All week long there have been moments when the silence is deafening. I'm training to lead a course and in our first training meeting she laid out the steps for certification, including videoing ourselves and letting others watch. No voice! I look at myself in the mirror and I notice how good I look. Whaaaaa...? My son does his thing and I joke with him instead of feeling wounded. 

And the really really incredibly amazing thing? I've lost five pounds. Apparently, criticism weighs a lot.

So, I strongly encourage you to look and see what the impact on you is of your flavor of inner critic. Who does it not allow you to be? What do you avoid? Who doesn't get to know the real you?

I strongly encourage you to kick it to the curb and start lovin' on yourself. It's way more fun.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

No, We Don't Want Change

You're probably surprised by my title. Hang in there, bear with me. Don't get upset yet.

Change is a part of our every day lives, we look for solutions to problems all the time. In Australia, they imported cattle. Soon they realized they had a new problem, cow plops. If you know cow poo, it's big and wet and sloppy. The dung beetle in Australia was equipped for kangaroo dung, which is much smaller and drier. So, cow specific dung beetles had to be imported to alleviate this problem. The car was invented to solve the problem of horse poo on the streets, a way to clean up the street. However, it caused a new different pollution problem, one we're still dealing with today. 

We've had change to correct racism, time, and time again. One of the most recent changes was Affirmative Action. While on paper this may sound good, it was a fix and caused a lot of new problems. Fixing or changing things comes from judgment, something is wrong and it needs to be corrected. Here's the thing, when we change and fix things, the original is still there. Have you seen A Bug's Life? Heimlich, my favorite character, is a caterpillar and in the end, he has wings, but he's a caterpillar with wings. 

https://pixar.fandom.com/wiki/Heimlich

What we want is transformation. 

Think again of that caterpillar. In that chrysalis that caterpillar isn't just hanging out and changing...it turns to a liquid and its molecules are completely realigned. [If anyone on here is a biologist, I apologize. I'm sure my description is elementary and possibly inaccurate. Stick with me for the point I'm making, not for my scientific accuracy!] Think of that carbon that becomes a diamond under pressure. Our country is under pressure now, the combination of Covid-19 and the murder of a black man by the knees of four police officers has tipped us over the edge. We've been teetering on that edge for decades. 

So, what's required for transformation? 

Well, one of the best ways I know is for us to look. Especially us white folk. What do we take for granted? How can we take responsibility (not blame - responsibility is empowering, blame and shame are disempowering) for the fact that our fellow Americans are NOT afforded the same rights as we are? How can we take responsibility for this, on a personal level? A friend of mine realized today that she speaks softly and gently to Black people when she speaks to them. This really floored her, but this realization gives her access to noticing and altering her speaking and listening. How did she come to this? She asked her Black neighbor what it was like in her skin. THAT'S being responsible. 

How do you begin to take responsibility? 

Being curious is a great first step, Curiosity is a powerful tool. I DON'T know what it's like to be Black. I do know what it's like to be a minority because I grew up overseas. My experience as a White child living in a local neighborhood in Togo was more like I was an anomaly. I was a blond girl with straight hair that everyone wanted to touch. I created a new language with the neighbor girl since we didn't speak the same language. We were treated as honored guests at ceremonies we were invited to.... That is NOTHING like the experience of daily being treated differently in your own country. I'm really present to how damn lucky I am to be White. It makes me feel incredibly sad for our neighbors with darker skin. In addition to sadness, I'm SO present to their power and strength. I'm moved by the worldwide peaceful protests and the solidarity they are creating. It is time for a transformation, a metamorphosis. The time is now. 

So, what can you do? 

It doesn't have to be big. Be open that YOUR view of the world isn't THE view of the world for everyone. Ask questions. Speak up when someone says something you wouldn't want to hear (even if it's meant well, have a conversation about how it might sound). Get curious. Educate yourself on Black history and how America's past created what we are experiencing today. Clean up what you discover about yourself, apologize where you see you need to. Taking responsibility is a sign of strength, not weakness. 

How do we move forward as a country?

The only way we move beyond our past is to take responsibility. As a nation. As the Australians recently did with the aboriginals. As the Germans and South Africans did. Taking responsibility starts the healing of the deep wounds of the past. Pretending it's all ok doesn't.

Congratulations, you made it! Thanks for bearing with me and not getting upset -- or, if you are upset, I hope it's the stirring of taking responsibility for the injustice in our country. Take that and use it as fuel. Get curious, be engaged, discover your role in creating a new future for our country. You can start by reading the articles above. Or maybe you can ask a Black person to touch their hair? Be willing to ask and be surprised by the answer. A curious heart is a loving one.

Photo by JoelValve on Unsplash 

Being Love

I sit here watching the anger and frustration overflow in Minneapolis. We are in the middle of a pandemic, one that many feel is being mismanaged and causing more suffering and pain for the millions of Americans who are affected, either directly or indirectly. To be clear, this is NOT a political post. This is a post in support of humanity and love.

I say that my purpose on the planet is love. It took me a long time to feel that this wasn't hokey. Sometimes I still grapple with that. But then I look at what is happening in our country and I'm clear it's sometimes VERY HARD to be love. How do you come from love when someone shoots a McDonald's employee for telling them the dining room is closed? How do you come from love when people say that 100,000+ dead is a hoax and that it's all an elaborate con? How do you come from love when you watch the police, who are there to protect and serve, gang up on a man and kneel on him until he dies?

That's the question on my mind tonight. I am SO angry, scared and heartbroken for our country tonight. So I rely on what I know, what I believe in. Love. I love myself and all of my feels -- I call it having grace for myself. I feel free to limit my exposure to the news right now, because of how much I feel the feels. I try not to limit such that I stay in a bubble, but enough that I can function in an empowered way (vs curled up under the covers, crying for all the pain and suffering out there). And I reach out to those I love and tell them. When I was a teacher I would tell my students that love creates more love, and hate creates more hate. Think about it...it really is that simple. If you're angry and someone you're angry with reacts with love and understanding, your anger abates (unless you REALLY want them pissed off). If you're angry and they act defensively, it confirms your anger and it grows.

So, being love, I've come to realize, is WAAAYYYY harder than reacting the way I want to. I want to blame, fault, accuse...I want to be righteous and call people idiots. But I don't really. Because when I come from love, it honors ME. It's like forgiveness, you don't forgive people for them, often they aren't even aware of your upset. You forgive people for YOUR peace and happiness. Choosing to BE love is the same. I sleep well at night knowing I've added joy and happiness, even just a little, into a tumultuous world. My life is fun when I choose love, because then I'm looking for who I can make smile and how. We find what we look for in the world, and when I look for love, I see it. When I look for hate, I see it. That's easy, love is sometimes Waldo.

So, right now I choose to believe that everyone is doing their best in this pandemic. It's a new experience for everyone and we're all navigating it our own way. And I also choose to believe that our country is having all weaknesses exposed, the racism that was hidden but not gone is now on the surface, as is corruption and corporations running things. All of that was, but we didn't realize it. Now that we realize it, we can act on it and make the world a better place. I choose the interpretation that empowers me and has me be my best self.

And sometimes being love is damn hard. But it's always worth it.

Vines, Part 2

Now that we've cleared about half of our property, we can really see the results. It's like we've made part of our land turn from a jungle to a forest. One of the things we've noticed is how the trees move. Trees were made to bend in the wind so they don't fall over. With large vines in those trees, not only are they getting valuable nutrients sucked out of them, but it adds to the foliage in the canopy. We've had some fairly strong winds recently, and we've lost branches and even have a tree that's partially out of the ground. We realized that these vines also create more of a sail, so instead of the wind passing THROUGH the trees, it was being caught by the trees. Not good. You've got the wind pushing on the tops of trees that are already weaker. Recipe for downed trees.

One of the vines stretched down our driveway

Battle of strength

A vine that my hubs couldn't pull out of the tree. It's the size of my wrist!

In life we have our own version of vines. Things that suck the life from us. Things that keep us from being able to bend and adapt to what life brings. And, just like our property, there's a neverending supply of things. You pluck one, another shows up. However, also like our property, when you can identify enough of those "sucks" and complete them, then you can manage to easily identify the new ones while they are still weak. Or you start getting curious and go looking for those big ones that slipped by. Curiosity has it be fun, like what we've started feeling as our jungle starts looking more like a state park. As we create walking trails and access to a little stream. As we see wildlife we haven't seen before.

In this time, where everything is different and new and scary and frustrating, it's VERY easy to have those "sucks" show up. The difficulty can sometimes be not letting them consume you like the vines did to so many of our trees. Even for me, with a toolbox full of ways to get and keep myself empowered and lots of people on my team that I can call, I still have moments, half days sometimes, where I'm just so consumed by my thoughts and doubts. I'm practicing not resisting, but to just keep swaying in the breeze.

Find grace for yourself in these uncertain times. 💜

Vines Choking Your Life

I don't even know what day of quarantine I'm on at this point. But recently I spent a few hours on our property, freeing my small patch of blackberry plants along the driveway from the ever-creeping vines. While doing so, I had lots of time with my thoughts. Here are my random thoughts on how what I did in the yard is like what I do professionally.

What you may or may not know about blackberries: They grow long stems, have teeny thorns, have a shallow root system, and create yummy fruit. Those long stems break VERY easily, so many of my plants were broken halfway, still producing flowers and new leaves, even through those broken stems.

The vines: I have found at least three different types of vines in our woods. We've got the dreaded kudzu, but only in one part. Then we have two where I was working - one is spiky and mean looking. The other, the one that likes my blackberries, is a pretty reddish color with lovely delicate green leaves. However, as with all vines, they wrap around plants and choke them out. I have spent many hours over the past weeks carefully unwrapping my blackberries.

Photo by Utsman Media on Unsplash

I took a great picture that day, I thought. When I looked back I realized the background was in crisp detail -- oops. This is almost as good, haha. What I mostly wanted you to see was how they twist together.

So what does all this have to do with me and my profession?

We sometimes are just as fragile as my blackberries. We catch our thorns on items (or use them to keep people away so they don't see how delicate we think we are), break easily, and quickly get pulled out of the ground. We often so quickly give up on those things that give us life and energy and make us feel alive. It can seem like things in life get their roots in us and suck the life out of us. Sometimes people let those things take over and it kills them. And sometimes, hopefully more often than not, we use our community to pull those vines off of us so we can blossom and produce beautiful fruit.

That's what I do...I help people untangle the vines and free themselves so they can blossom. I listen for what really makes them grow and thrive. I support them in growing deeper roots than my blackberries so that they are unshakable and can weather any storm.

Time to pull the vines and grow and thrive. Share your bounty with the world.

The blackberry blossoms I freed that first day

Manifesting Queen

Do you know how often I've written a new posting -- in my head? And how often I've thought about that last one and wondered if it's professional, if I should take it down, if I'm crazy to leave it up...!  

To complete on a few things from the last post, so many many moons ago - I took it on to allow my friend to say everything she needed to say so we could close the book on...well, on whatever we chose to at that point. In the conversation, what transpired is that something YEARS ago had upset her, and she'd held onto it. It was this wound, festering, in our relationship. My move three hours away just added to that wound. When I shared with her that her upset, which involved her daughter (momma bear got activated), was completely different in my memory, she got curious. I shared with her MY memory of that event. We ended the conversation completely restored to love for each other. There is SOO much power in communication. In standing in love and listening! In not writing each other off. Now, she and I are not as in touch with each other now as we were, but I know she's just a phone call away, and I trust she knows that too. Two very busy mommas, connected forever and always there for each other.

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Now, what I want to share with you! 

There is SO much power in declaring what you want and getting out of the way!

About a month ago I realized I wanted to be acknowledged for all I do -- especially for the miles I drive for my not-so-minis. I realized how I am not a demand for being supported, and I allow others to demand things of me and feel guilty if I do. I took on being WILDLY supported...and gave up any comments in my head that said I didn't know how to do that or what that looked like.

On the way home from the event I was at, late on a Sunday night, I called a friend to get support for dropping off my rental vehicle the next day. He realized the only reason I was coming home was to take a kid to school, and then I'd be heading back where I was. He offered to take her. Wildly supported! Wow, that was easy!

So then I called my husband and asked him to Priceline a hotel. I delighted in my cozy little room, all to myself. No dogs, no kids, no cats...no interruptions. In the morning I woke for my appointment and saw they had called me. To cancel, she was sick. I had that flicker of "What?!" and then realized, this was wild support too, I could lounge around a bit, take a leisurely shower, and get home when I wanted to!

Then came Valentine's Day, my husband's working in NYC, and I had no expectations of anything. We don't really do much for Valentine's Day. Imagine my surprise as flowers, cheesecake and strawberries are delivered!

I think I like this wildly supported thing. 

Next, I took on replacing my 2003 van -- the one I lived in. 255,000 miles and counting. The one that stroked my hair because the ceiling is saggy and the one that, while being a fabulous vehicle, is plumb worn out. I've never shopped for a vehicle before and really been at choice. That was fun! Do you know how many improvements there are in minivans in the past 13 years?! Heck, even a five-year-old van is a Caddy to me! And I could take my time, go the same way as this, and get CLEAR and PROUD of what I want in my new van...and trust I'll find it.

The kids and I made a list of all our "Must Haves" and "Would Likes" for the new van. Our new van, that we've had almost three weeks now, has everything on the "must have" and half of the "would likes". Sadly (for my son) they didn't have any with machine guns mounted on the roof or mini-fridges. In three weeks I've put more than 3,000 miles on the new van. The best part of wildly supporting myself is that I gave the old van to a friend. A friend who gives her heart and soul to all she does and expects nothing in return. It makes my heart full to be able to support her that way. 

I'm thinking perhaps the reason I haven't been as wildly supported before is because I got in my own way...where are you doing the same? Who wants to take on being wildly supported? What would that look like for you?

How are YOU going to show YOU how much you love yourself? What are you going to create to step into? This is delighting me, join me!